Being on National TV

It all started when I received a phone call from my college mate. She had asked me to help her appear in her talk show. Without asking much, I said yes. I guess I wanted to appear in TV badly.

I was extremely nervous throughout the whole process. I am even nervous now. From knowing that I will be doing the filming to knowing the date of the air time for the show, the whole process was just so overwhelm for me.

It's actually a talk show between men and women. I guess sometimes we tend to think alike among the same gender. I think this is what it is about, to argue among gender. And that is the name of the talk show <男女嗆反調>.

It is a mandarin talk show shown in NTV7 in Malaysia since March 2011. My episode is to be aired on 30th April 2011. The topic was about whether we should still be friends with our exes. To learn more about the show, you can visit the below links for more information. (Opps, it's all in mandarin.)

Daily News Sina
Life TV Malaysia

My family and friends are very happy for my appearance in TV. I sincerely thank everyone for all the support they put in. They are always giving me support and wondering when is the air time for the show. I was more worried that I am going to ruin the show or worst, all my parts are being cut off.

I am not even sure whether I should ask anyone to see the show. It would be so embarrassing to see myself so not gorgeous sitting next to a top model. Yes, I am sitting next to the champion of "I want to be a model", Eloise! She is a very nice person. She sent me pictures that we took on the day to my iPhone.

I will need to upload the photo after the episode is aired to avoid any form of breaching the law. Finger crossed for Saturday's show. I hope it is not too bad.

Shall we have trust?

Trust is a basic emotion that we should have for people. However, to what extend can we trust a person?

After 20+ years of being human, I find trusting another human being so hard. It's very hurtful that the person you trust let you down. At the end of the day, you just wished you haven't trusted anyone.

During my university days, I joined a community service program to a village. I brought something very important to me along with me. It was my first electronic dictionary. Those days, e-dictionaries cost RM1000+. It meant a lot to me as the it was the first ever possession that I used my own money to buy. I had been saving the ang pow money for years for that.

I was in the bus from MMU to the village. I put my e-dictionary in a transparent file together with some teaching materials. I was holding it all the time in the bus. While we reached, I forgot whether I was carrying other computers out the bus or went to the toilet. When I wanted to get back to the bus to get my dictionary, Yee Peng and Kok Thong stopped me. They said all our things had already been moved down the bus.

When I asked them whether they took my file which I put up the dashboard. They said that the bus was empty. They asked me to check my luggage on the floor. While I was checking my bags, the bus left. The file was no where to be found. As I told them my file was still in the bus, they did nothing. They thought I over reacted and said coolly that we could get the file later when we get back from the village to MMU.

I waited patiently for the few days to pass. Finally, the bus arrived. I checked the dashboard above my seat, my file was no where to be found. I asked the bus driver but he said he hadn't seen it. Then, I checked the dashboard above the driver seat, The file was there! He lied!

When I looked into my transparent file, my heart sank. My e-dictionary was gone. I asked the driver where was the e-dictionary in the file. The driver claimed that another bus driver might have taken it. He gave me the name of the driver which I have now forgotten.

I then went back to MMU to look for the bus drivers. All claimed that they did not take it. I filed a lost item to the MMU management but was not being looked into. I had gone back and forth the management office for several times but still no news.

I always thought, I was so close to not losing it. If I insisted in getting in the bus to check rather than trusting both of them, will I get so much pain every now and then? I guess the pain is not because of losing things, it is the fact that you trust the wrong person.

No one console me while I cried back then. In fact, I guess maybe no one knows about this incident. Now only I knew that I was so tough back then. I didn't seek help from anyone and dealt with this all alone. I didn't want to make a big fuss out of it. I don't think my family members knew the details too, do you sisters?

You know what I thought back then? I thought, hopefully it was given to a bus driver who had kids. At least the kids would be able to learn from it. If they could put it to full use, I guess I helped out in their studies too.

As for the trust part, I guess you should always leave room for accidents. Sometimes even we make mistakes ourselves, how can we demand more from others? I guess trust comes with a certain extend. If it is really important, it is better to do it ourselves. If you can't do it yourself, then I guess you can just trust with low expectations. ^_^

七夕的雨天

窗外正下着细雨，那是因为感叹牛郎跟织女的爱情吗？是天气的关系吗？心情也跟着灰灰的。

好像好久都没有时间好好的坐在电脑面前。本来跟自己约好今天要把饥饿30的照片放上网。但现在却觉得懒洋洋，什么都不想做。

以前总有花不完的时间，所以都会睡觉睡超过8小时，也常常都会拉人陪我看戏。总觉得马来西亚人都很幸福，看戏实在太便宜了！！

以前常常都会有人说我太浪费时间，应该多做有意义的事。所以，现在的我，忙了。

忙，好吗？

一直都会有吃晚餐的习惯。今天的晚餐却只是眼前的这杯豆奶。但喝起来很甜，很好喝。这杯豆奶令我想起了饥饿30营，令我想起很多没有三餐温饱的小孩。

以前生日的时候，我都很贪心，誓要好好利用生日愿望。本来希望自己天天开心。但后来想如果家人不平安，我也不会开心。所以就希望合家平安开心。然后又想，如果我的朋友发生什么事，我也不会开心的。所以每年都索性愿个 “天下太平”。

现在想，天下太平，谈何容易呢？

所以只有尽自己的力量，让这个世界更美好。

悦慈，加油咯！

My Love is My Time

I felt like insomnia has hit me again. I was not able to sleep the whole yesterday night. I had stayed up until 8 to 9am in the morning. I am not sure whether it's the gastric, the tea, the heat of my room or just me.

"What is love?" I have been thinking about the same question over and over again these past few days. Am I really in love or I am just someone who pretend that I know?

Love might not be anything in life. But without love, will there be any thing left for living this life. Can we really live for money?

Learning to love and to be loved is part of life. I guess everyone should go through the cycle of love. Every child is born with love, the love from its parent(s)*.

I read about a complete family is based on the love of the parent(s)*. A child is very sensitive to the emotions of his parent(s)*. Therefore, if the parents are in fighting terms all the time, the child will be emotionally affected.

*Single parent might need to do the job of two. But it's not impossible. I am sure the child can still grow beautifully when the parent is always cheerful and content.

I guess I don't know much about love. But one thing I know about is that time is required to build love.

I asked myself a lot of times what type of a husband I want. I guess I needed a husband that can spend time with me. I want a husband that can build a family with me. We should discuss what we want and work towards it. I hope we can learn how to become a better person then a better parent.

I want a husband that will set love as his first priority in life. Love shall be above money, sports or other activities. The most valuable thing you can give to your family is not money and status but TIME. You can use time to earn money, why not use some time to earn love?

I hope my children are content of being able to sit together for dinner every night with their family. I don't want them growing into kids that do not see their parents everyday but has the most advance robots at home.

I want a husband that is able to discuss things with me. I hate dictators who does not even know what is important enough to discuss. I hope we can enjoy the process of working things out and not the result of it.

I hope I can share our financial planning. I hope we can buy things together and give each other opinions. I want us to learn to have something together before having a child together.

It is sad that some guys don't like to accompany girls to go shopping. Some are just too busy. Even if some are not, some won't want to come with his girlfriend for some don't want her to blame him if she have gotten the wrong items she need. Who wants a MAN who dares not to take responsibility? How can he take the responsibility to lead a family?

I am always alone. I guess not every one will have the chance to go through the whole human cycle. After all, getting married and making kids to keep human from extinction does not sound like what we have to do nowadays. I guess we are over populated.

Well, lucky generation! Haha... But anyway, I will still be waiting for my prince charming to rescue me one day! "Some day my prince will come, some day...... " *Day dreaming again*


Took a sleeping pill before writing this post. No effect yet? *sob sob*

Hey Greedy, Don't Fret!

One day, I was combing my hair like usual. However, something not very usual happened.

I found that my comb was filled with hair. Not just a few tens of them. I am talking about roughly hundreds of dropped hair. As I looked at them, I got terrified. How could I lose so much hair?

As I freaked out, I was wondering why. I thought,

"Was it because the antibiotics I had?"

And I thought, "Was it because I have done something to my hair lately?"

"Was it because I was exposed to the sun too much?"

As I looked into the mirror, I saw a girl with beautiful hair. I still had the straight and volumed hair I love.

Then I felt so stupid worrying over something I should not.

A lot of times, we keep thinking about the things we lost. We wonder how we lost them. We think about the times we had them. We think about the possibilities they are still around.

Human tend to be greedy. They still think of what they lost because they wanted more. What is gone is gone. When you are fretting over things you already lost, why not look at things you have? 

You lose precious time while you're fretting, missing things you have in your life. When you realize what you have missed, you would probably think that you were being so foolish. 

*Don't fret over things you lost, cherish those that is still with you.*

Art of Communication 沟通方式

两天前，学了些东西，想与大家分享。。。

他们说在沟通时可以看到三种人。那是上等人，中等人或下等人。


下等人沟通时，讲的都是是非。

中等人说的是事情。

而上等人转达的是思维，思想。


你是哪一种人呢？

xxx

It is said that human can be categorised into three groups. There are high class, middle class and low class people.

We differentiate people from the way they communicate.

Low class people gossip.

Middle class people talk and discuss about things.

High class people exchange thoughts and wisdom.


Which type of person are you?

Third Parties

我从来都不明白第三者是怎么想的....

xxx

I never understand the thoughts of a third party. They have always appeared so confident. They always think they are the center of attraction. They think everyone, including people who already have a girlfriend/boyfriend, are head over heals in love with them.

But at the same time, it appears to me that they are those people who do not have self-confidence at all. I don't know whether to hate them or to pity them.

Why do I hate a third party in a relationship? Well, they happened to have the same lines. I have at least heard three third parties saying this, "It's not my fault that she chose me over him," or worst, "It's not my fault if she can't take care of his own boyfriend." Well, some even don't admit saying that before.

In this modern world, do we still hate third party so much? I mean it's a competitive world. We compete among each other to get what we want. We compete with other candidates for a job. We compete with our colleagues to get promoted. And yet, can competition be applied in relationships?

Do you compete with one and other to win the guy of your dreams? Is it something like shown on TV, "The Bachelor"? How well can you accept being picked or chosen like roses in the market?

Love is supposed to be sacred. Love does not come easily. It's already hard to find the one and only person you like and adore. To make things even harder, the condition of love is that, he/she has to love you too. I always hear the saying that the one you marry might not be the one you love, how true is that again? Shall we settle for what is best we can get? Where is the love of our life then?

Long ago, a guy who had been in a relationship with a girl for 2 years, asked me to be his gf. I told him, if he was really serious with me, he did not have to tell me that he had a gf. He could have settled his problem with his gf first before even consider courting me.

Then after a few days, he assured that he would break up with his gf. I knew he was serious. I guess I don't have the third party gene. Instead of feeling flattered, I felt really guilty and sorry. I sat down with the guy and asked him one question, "Are you willing to give up your two years relationship for a person you barely know? Think about the good times you had with your gf. Two years is not easy."

Weeks later, he thanked me. He told me that what I said was true. He was happy to find love again with his gf. I was so glad for them. In fact, it still send a smile on my face even until now.

Sometimes I thought, I had never interfere in any other people's relationship. How do I always get people to interfere in mine? There is a choice whether you want to be a third party. But if you do choose to be one, then be prepared to get hurt.

I don't understand how could anyone have the heart to hurt other people. What were they even thinking while they took the courage to interfere. Have they not think of happily ever after? Do they think they deserve a happy ending? If they really want the relationship, they should let the person they love settle his/her own love issue first. Can't they wait?

Maybe they don't interfere for love, they interfere for fun, for attention. They like people to worship them or maybe they just enjoy winning. Maybe there is no right and wrong in relationships, but there is surely good and bad. Why do I hate third parties? Because to me, they are not good people. They have chosen to hurt other people, maybe including themselves.

Do I think that people who invite third parties are also bad people? Hahahha.. I will write more in my next post entitled "People who invite third parties". I guess I will delay the post. My headache is getting worst. Good night everyone.


(This post is drafted since 4th May 2009.)

Things-breaker No More!

There was a time in school that we need to write an autobiography of an object. I thought, if things that belongs to me had a life, they'll be pretty miserable.

I never change my phone because I want more phone function or more style. I only change it because I have to. Yes, I am a phone breaker. I can always drop my phone on the floor. Lucky for my phone to survive for two years. It is so amazing.

But my other things are not so lucky.

This is my bottle of essence from Clara International. I have just used it for two times before I knocked it of the floor. Of course, I don't mind the money cost, it's the cleaning-the-floor part that hurts.

This is my camera Pinky. I have names for assets that cost more than RM700. Well, I have dropped Pinky for a few times. She survived the first few drops but not this time. I don't think I am going to send her to the hospital again any time soon. I am so sorry Pinky.

I always thought it's a bless that I don't get sad whenever my things are broken or missing. Whenever I break something, I will go "Ohh... " then that will be it. I won't feel the guilt or the pain to pay the damage.

Therefore, I don't like to borrow things from other people. I will need to take care of other people's stuff more than my own. Indeed, that is quite a pressure to me.

After losing Pinky and nearly losing my mobile phone, I have decided to put more care on things I own. I understand that money don't come easily From now on, I vow to maintain the maximum life span of things!

So to start things with, I decided to use a cover for my mobile phone. Ai sigh... It is indeed very troublesome.

Hopefully it will survive another year. Poor handphone.

Being positive about being negative

I was sad, really sad. It seemed like all the bad things happened together. Did I think that I attracted them? (Law of attraction?) I didn’t care acting happy because I was sick being cheerful. Well, at least for the time being.

It was like 1.30am in the morning when I reached my apartment. Well, I worked late and I left the company at almost 1am. When I reached the guardhouse of my apartment, the security guard gave me a hard time, as my access card didn’t work. They directed me to park my car in the visitor car park near by the monkey trees*.

Afraid of being attack by monkeys, I had a hard time getting out the car. It got worst when the rain started to pour. I thought since I could shower once I was home, why bothered to use a stupid umbrella? By the way, the visitor car park was like really far and without sheds.

When I was in front of my apartment door, I was already wet. As I put my key into the lock, my key did not work. It was only seconds when I found that, the lock was not the lock I usually used. Someone has changed it!

I called my housemate but she did not pick up the phone. Standing wet in front of the door, helplessly, I found my eyes not big enough to shallow all my tears. They flew down generously to my already wet body.

It was a really tough day. My work was giving me a headache. There were so many new processes that I need to follow up daily. I received a few complaints for getting it wrong. And then I was answering so many calls for the past few days that my number of calls outbid other agents, just to find that my team leader made a mistake on setting the priority of call queues.

I was really tired. I was tired being cheerful when I was not. Tears could flow so easily sometimes. But when a call came in, I wiped my tears and go, “Thank you for calling….” And it was always cheerful.

I was still standing in front of my apartment door when all the negativity filled me. No one answered my phone. No one bothered when I knocked the door so hard. I gave up and jumped into a sea of tears…

I had the least idea where I could go now. Even if I managed to find a place to stay the night, what about my clothes? How was I going to work the next day?

Then, the thought of my vacation made me even depressed. It was supposed to be a holiday but I didn’t feel in the mood for one yet. I only had two days to buy my swim wear and sun lotion. And I had yet to exchange currency. I was going on a four days vacation but only managed to get one day off work. Apparently, my second day leave was rejected coldly. I had a night flight back but I was required to work the next day.

While I was shedding my tears, my phone rang. My housemate finally called and not long after, I was let into the house. I didn’t know how I should feel, furious or rescued?

***

A lot of times when I am negative, I will just let it be. I guess I will feel even more tired if I keep pushing myself to feel positive. There is nothing wrong with feeling negative. If you feel negative about feeling negative, I guess you will definitely have a hard time fighting it. But if you feel positive about it, you will always be positive.

Is religion a relationship killer?

It never appeared to me that religion is an issue to a relationship. Yes, I still think like that though many gave up a relationship due to religion constrain.

I always thought that religion is a guideline in life. When I mean guideline, I mean there is no right and wrong with the religion you chose. To me, choosing a religion is like choosing a school. We might graduate from different schools, but the teaching are more or less the same.

All religions hold the same principle. They guide us to be a better person. They answer to those who are lost. They complete you when you are incomplete. They hold you when you are depressed. I am so blessed that I mix with people who believe in God.

The problem occurs when there is not just God but my God or your God. Of course, humans compare. They compare to find which the best religion is. And because you think yours is the best, you want your friends and family to be in the best.

But the question is, should we be comparing our religion? Are we still kids to go, "My school is the best and only my school has quality graduates?" We tend to forget that we should not be comparing at all. 

I do hope everyone can open up your heart. "Religion" lies in the eyes of the beholder. Till now, there is no scientific prove saying that which religion's students have the highest rates to heaven. Religion is indeed a very subjective issue. And when it is subjective, you can only believe. 

I don't believe that religion can ever stand between humans. It's humans themselves who choose to think differently. So, please don't blame poor "religion" as an excuse for break up. 

Lastly, I would like to end this post with a still thought by Master Cheng Yan who inspires me to write this post.

宗教是大同小異；心大則同，心小則翼。

Translate: Religions will appear the same when your heart is wide, but they will appear different when your heart is narrow. 

I am not made to blog

I thought I have a lot of ideas. Hence, I would have a lot of posts. But I was so wrong. It is so hard for me to start writing. When I do feel like writing, I tend to become blank at times.

I have a few saved drafts. I started the title, typed a few lines and stopped there. I could not find the mood to write further. I only continue writing the post when the mood comes back. Weird uh?

Sometimes, I thought I might receive a few comments from some post, but no one left comments. Then some other posts that I didn't expect to have comments in it tend to have the highest number of comments. I guess it shows, I don't know what people like to read.

My blog is full of grammar mistakes, I wonder how I make them so many. When my mother read at my blog, she is always shaking her head and go, "Oh daughter, how did your English become so poor?" I showed her a few blogs that I like the other day, she said cruelly,

"Oh, you see people's blog! (pointing finger at the monitor) Their English is so smooth. Your sentences are weird, not grammatically wrong but weird. You should read more."

Yes, I definately agree with her, I should read more. Even my mother does not read my blog now. Ohh.. it hurts.

I am starting on some boring skin care post lately. Hopefully it will come out before April is here.

Change- the solution to many questions!

I wonder how many people in this world are contented with their lives. How many wake up every day to find themselves looking forward to going to work? How many are optimistic about life?

I was thinking about my life and still complaining about it when I found the solution for most answers in life,

"Change!"

Some of the minor changes in life would probably be...

You split wine on your shirt.

Solution: Change your shirt.

Then, you tried to wash the wine stain off the shirt but it didn't work.

Solution: Change your detergent. If it still doesn't work, change your perception to the fact that it is a piece of cloth and use it for other purposes.

Minor changes can be easily done, when it comes to major changes, how well can you handle it?

Every morning when you wake up, you feel very tired and you don't feel like going to work to face your manager who will ask you to do endless things.

Solution: Change your job. If you can't, then change your thinking. Work can be fun!

Every time when you look at the mirror, you feel like your body is getting bigger and bigger and all you can do is to sigh.. or to wear loser clothes to make you look thinner.

Solution: Change your lifestyle and diet. If you can't, then change your mirror.

Every now and then I hear people complaining about their boy friends and girl friends. The solution is so simple even you can guess it:-

Hahhah... Change your bf/gf. If you can't, then change yourself.

Change, it is easier said than done. Human tends to hate changing. They are in the comfort zone they called. Once you're in it, you will never want to get out.

I am trying my best to get out of my comfort zone. I know it can't be easy. To me, constant change is always necessary. Who does not want to live life to the fullest? After all, we only remember living once.

Mid-Twenties "Cry"sis

Every time when I think of my age. I will get stuck at 24. I kindna have the impression that I am younger than my ex-classmates as my birthday is in December. Therefore, I will always have to minus one year from the actual age.

As I am turning 26 this year, I thought that I was still 24. I guess I really need a birthday cake with 25 candles on it so that I can really remember that. As I am typing now, I wondered again. Wait a minute, am I 24 or 25? Am I that old to have lost my memory?

Lately, I had fallen into depression. I felt like I have lost my confidence in most of the things. I felt like everybody of my age is doing better than I. I felt like I am fat, miserable and clumsy. I felt like I am still so childish and have not grown a bit. As age numbers increase, the expected maturity is not there at all.

I have not accomplished anything, I don't have a house, I don't have a target to work towards to. I don't have a person I want to marry. Hence, I won't have a child. But then, even if I work hard and own a house, I will be staying all by myself. I have been searching high and low for a room to stay lately, I can't even get to stay in a house with people I know. I feel so dump and lost in so many ways.

Seeing other friends moving on so swiftly is so hard. Some are planning wedding dinners, discussing wedding gowns. Others are talking about some housing loan and what "BLR" rate that I don't understand at all. Some are confidently doing masters. Some are already the assistant manager of the company. But where am I heading to?

I missed school. Feeling lost of closeness with my friends scares me. I guess that's why I always organize so many trips and gatherings. I am scared feeling alone. To have something to look forward to keeps me optimistic. That they are still close with me means so much to me.

I went to look up in Wikipedia about mid-twenties crisis. It seems like I have fit all the syndromes. I am officially diagnosed with quarter-life crisis. I wonder if I can cure myself. I wonder what I learned from my religion can be applied here. I wonder if reading books recommended by Wikipedia will make me better.

And I am still wondering....

The Art of Not Knowing

I first heard it from a scene on a TVB Series, I can't really remember when and what the title was. But I thought I always hear it and I always wonder why.

A women's best friend told her that her husband was cheating on her. There were no tears coming out from her eyes. She seemed calm but in a while, it busted into anger.

"Why do you have to tell me?" She busted. Like her friend, I was shocked. Then she continued, "Why do you have to ruin this marriage? If I hadn't known, I could still be his wife and I could still be happy. Now that I have known, how should I react to that?" Then I guess she chased her friend away?

I used to think that was a funny theory. I used to think I wanted nothing but the truth. Therefore, I had always been honest (or ignorant or what ever). As I exposed myself more to other human beings, my mind has been corrupted influenced. I began to believe that ignorance is a blessing.

Sometimes, if you were told that your partner is cheating on you. Will you confront him? I guess, if you really want this to end, you should. As either he admits or denies, it will still make him a cheater or liar. Therefore, I guess women prefer not knowing, as they cannot control themselves not confronting.

Sometimes I think, if I were given the chance to know when I am gonna die, will I take it? I guess I wouldn't be able to stay alive without going crazy. For me, knowing things takes a lot of courage and wisdom. Just like the above scene that I have talked about earlier. If the wife is wise enough, I guess knowing and not knowing wouldn't be a matter. As she can handle it calmly, she might be able to pretend not knowing it and stay cool until the marriage should come to an end. That is wisdom.

If you are given the chance to have precognition to the future, will you take it? Are you able to handle it? If what you do or say will not be able to change the future, will you still want to know? On the other hand, I don't believe in the saying that we can change the future. The fact that you can change the future is the future, just that you don't know then.

Sigh.. talking crap again.


(This post was written on 20/1/09)

Then whaat?

I can't believe that my first post of the year will be this depressing. Too much time alone to think indeed leads to a lot of weird thinking. Well, I guess that's why I need to keep myself really occupied all the time.

I was driving late at night back home. My car was filled with mosquitos. As I had opened my car door and stood in front of a gigantic drain after I cried over a book which fell into it. There were so many mosquitos that I could see some flying before me, hear them buzzing around my ears and feel them around my legs.

It's funny that I would cry when I got angry. I guess I didn't know how to channel my anger. I could not kill them. Even if I could, there were so many of them. How to kill? After all, who was I to decide whether they should live or die tonight?

I then calmed myself. I thought, "They're going to die soon. Life is short for a mosquito. They have at most 100 days to live. Just let them suck my blood, not long after, they shall give birth and die." I sounded like I had an eternal life here on earth. Probably a turtle might say the same thing to me, "Let this human enjoy, have kids and die!"

I thought, I hoped I can be with him for today. "Then what?" I asked.

"Then I want to be his wife, be a good wife."

"Then what?"

"Then I want to have kids with him. I want to educate them to be good people."

"Then what?"

"Then there will be more good people?"

"Then what?"

"Then I die?"

"Then what?"

"I guess I will go to heaven?"

"Then what?"

"Stay in heaven forever?"

"Then what?"

"......"

I didn't know how to answer myself. Some people I know are seeking for wealth. Some are seeking for the meaning of life. Some people wants to spend their lives helping others. People live in ways they find their lives most meaningful. Then what? The ultimate question should be, for what? So that they can live in heaven? For what? So that they can leave their name to live in this world? For what?

Don't worry, I am not depressed. I won't get myself into depression anyway, for what? Like how every human is gonna be, I will eat, talk, sleep, probably make a few babies (2 is more than enough) and die. Skipping some of the steps in life does not make one lucky or the other way round.

You'd probably not understand what I mean, neither would I. Well, humans do talk craps sometimes.